Sisters of the Shadows

Step 1: You Are Not Perfect

Everyone believes themselves to be the expert on healthy adult relationships. The fact of the matter is that most people carry toxic traits from their adolescence into their adulthood, usually without realizing. Step one of setting healthy boundaries is recognizing that no one is perfect, least of all you.

Step 1: No One is Perfect

– Natasha Penn

Once you’ve acknowledged that no one, including yourself, is perfect, you can move onto the next step: discovering what it is about your partner’s behavior that makes you want to set up boundaries.

Step 2: WHY do you need boundaries?

The answer to the above question is very important. Are you trying to impose boundaries as a means of controlling your partner? Are you doing so because you are jealous or otherwise insecure? If your answer is yes to either of those questions, reconsider whether you are trying to set boundaries for the right reasons.

Granted, how will an individual ever admit to themselves that their reason for instilling boundaries is to control their partner? For this purpose, you’re better off confiding in a close friend who knows you very well. Be very frank with them; tell them plainly about the boundary you’re thinking of instilling and why you want to put it in practice. This works best if your friend is also the same gender as your partner, because they will be able to give you some much needed perspective if you and your partner identify as different genders. If you confide in your friend and they come to the conclusion you are trying to control your partner, consider their words carefully. They are only trying to help you.

Once you’ve confided in your friend and received the appropriate feedback—feedback which confirms that you are right to try and set boundaries—it’s time to move on to step three.

Step 3: Honest Communication

Now it’s time for that sit down with your partner. Make sure you write down all the points you want to make beforehand so as to better get your thoughts in order. Make sure to include in your heart-to-heart that you are not trying to control them, only that you are instilling a boundary, and give your reasons why. If your partner pushes back, ask them what about the boundary makes them uncomfortable. If they cannot come up with a definitive reason, they are simply rebelling against your boundaries for the sake of it. They may even be trying to control you, which is grounds for a break-up talk.

If you keep these points in mind, you should be able to initiate healthy boundaries with the right partner. These steps might also help you discover some red flags in your current relationship, if done correctly. How do you set healthy boundaries in a relationship? Leave your own thoughts in a comment below.

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Thanks for reading!